About
Why you should encourage people to criticise you and your works and try to become offended and grow a thicker skin.
Note
For the other side of the coin, see http://shlomifishswiki.branchable.com/Never_Try_to_Please_Everyone/ .
Main Items about Criticism and Offence
Paul Graham's “What You Can’t Say”
Paul Graham's “What You Can’t Say”
Have you ever seen an old photo of yourself and been embarrassed at the way you looked? Did we actually dress like that? We did. And we had no idea how silly we looked. It's the nature of fashion to be invisible, in the same way the movement of the earth is invisible to all of us riding on it.
What scares me is that there are moral fashions too. They're just as arbitrary, and just as invisible to most people. But they're much more dangerous. Fashion is mistaken for good design; moral fashion is mistaken for good. Dressing oddly gets you laughed at. Violating moral fashions can get you fired, ostracized, imprisoned, or even killed.
If you could travel back in a time machine, one thing would be true no matter where you went: you'd have to watch what you said. Opinions we consider harmless could have gotten you in big trouble. I've already said at least one thing that would have gotten me in big trouble in most of Europe in the seventeenth century, and did get Galileo in big trouble when he said it-- that the earth moves. [1]
It seems to be a constant throughout history: In every period, people believed things that were just ridiculous, and believed them so strongly that you would have gotten in terrible trouble for saying otherwise.
Is our time any different? To anyone who has read any amount of history, the answer is almost certainly no. It would be a remarkable coincidence if ours were the first era to get everything just right.
Every Great Truth
«Every great truth once started as a blasphemy.» Adapted from G.B. Shaw.
Lawrence Lessig about Rewarding the Critics
Lawrence Lessig about Rewarding the critics
Blog space is different. You can see people read your writing; if you allow, you can see their comments. The consequence of both is something you can’t quite understand until you’ve endured it. Like eating spinach or working out, I force myself to suffer it because I know it’s good for me. I’ve written a blog since 2002. Each entry has a link for comments. I don’t screen or filter comments (save for spam). I don’t require people to give their real name. The forum is open for anyone to say whatever he or she wants. And people do. Some of the comments are quite brilliant. Many add important facts I’ve omitted or clarify what I’ve misunderstood. Some commentators become regulars. One character, “Three Blind Mice,” has been a regular for a long time, rarely agreeing with anything I say.
But many of the comments are as rude and abusive as language allows. There are figures— they’re called “trolls”—who live for the fights they can gin up in these spaces. They behave awfully. Their arguments are (in the main) ridiculous, and they generally make comment spaces deeply unpleasant.
Other commentators find ways around these trolls. Norms like “don’t feed the troll” are invoked whenever anyone takes a troll on. But there’s only so much that can be done, at least so long as the forum owner (me) doesn’t block certain people or force everyone to use his or her real name.
I find it insanely difficult to read these comments [to my blog posts]. Not because they’re bad or mistaken, but mainly because I have very thin skin. There’s a direct correlation between what I read and pain in my gut. Even unfair and mistaken criticism cuts me in ways that are just silly. If I read a bad comment before bed, I don’t sleep. If I trip upon one when I’m trying to write, I can be distracted for hours. I fantasize about creating an alter ego who responds on my behalf. But I don’t have the courage for even that deception. So instead, my weakness manifests itself through the practice (extraordinarily unfair to the comment writer) of sometimes not reading what others have said.
So then why do I blog all? Well, much of the time, I have no idea why I do it. But when I do, it has something to do with an ethic I believe that we all should live by. I first learned it from a judge I clerked for, Judge Richard Posner. Posner is without a doubt the most significant legal academic and federal judge of our time, and perhaps of the last hundred years. He was also the perfect judge to clerk for. Unlike the vast majority of appeals court judges, Posner writes his own opinions. The job of the clerk was simply to argue. He would give us a draft opinion, and we’d write a long memo in critique. He’d use that to redraft the opinion.
I gave Posner comments on much more than his opinions. In particular, soon after I began teaching he sent me a draft of a book, which would eventually become Sex and Reason. Much of the book was brilliant. But there was one part I thought ridiculous. And in a series of faxes (I was teaching in Budapest, and this was long before e-mail was generally available), I sent him increasingly outrageous comments, arguing about this section of the book.
The morning after I sent one such missive, I reread it, and was shocked by its abusive tone. I wrote a sheepish follow-up, apologizing, and saying that of course, I had endless respect for Posner, blah, blah, and blah. All that was true. So too was it true that I thought my comments were unfair. But Posner responded not by accepting my apology, but by scolding me. And not by scolding me for my abusive fax, but for my apology. “I’m surrounded by sycophants,” he wrote. “The last thing in the world I need is you to filter your comments by reference to my feelings.”
I was astonished by the rebuke. But from that moment on, I divided the world into those who would follow (or even recommend) Posner’s practice, and those who wouldn’t. And however attractive the anti-Posner pose was, I wanted to believe I could follow his ethic: Never allow, or encourage, the sycophants. Reward the critics. Not because I’d ever become a judge, or a public figure as important as Posner. But because in following his example, I would avoid the worst effects of the protected life (as a tenured professor) that I would lead.
(From his book - Remix)
What we are offended by?
We tend to take offence to things we know are true and an Elephant in the Room than we do to things that are false.
“Bring it On!”
https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/500668198887231489
«Whenever someone has a criticism of me, I'm going to say: "Don't go easy on me. #BringItOn!" -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bring_It_On_%28film%29 … - #GoodDayToDie»
Play to Lose
Quora: “How can I encourage people to criticise me”
Quora: “How can I Encourage People to Criticise Me”
Being Convinced of Being Wrong
Being Convinced of Being Wrong
« I love being convinced that I was wrong before. That way I knew I improved and am now wiser. Like the Klingon warriors say when it happens: “What a great day it was for me to die!”. »
Wise words from Eminem
«You've got enemies? GOOD. That means you actually stood up for something.»
Better to be hurt by the truth
Do one thing every day that scares you
- Eleanor Roosevelt Quote - «Do one thing every day that scares you.»
- Via Wear Sunscreen.
If— by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
Opposite of Love
https://twitter.com/shlomif/status/512102478649622528 :
«The opposite of #love isn't #hate—it's #indifference . If you spend a lot of time complaining about someone—then you love him and #care for him.»
Stephen Fry Quote about “I am offended by it”
https://twitter.com/AbnormalAbner/status/511760758586507264
«It’s now very common to hear people say, “I’m rather offended by that.”. As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. “I find that offensive.”. It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. “I am offended by that.” Well, so fucking what?»
Stick and Stones
https://twitter.com/Derpey/status/517468514769465344
«Sticks and stones may break my bones but words are even worse holy shit please dont say mean things to me.»
Free Speech from Freenode's Perl Channel
Thuryn: Free speech, by definition, means the ability to offend someone. Otherwise, it wouldn't be an issue in the first place.
Oscar Wilde Quote
«When people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. » Oscar Wilde .
Evelyn Beatrice Hall Quote
"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"
( Note that it is often more worthwhile to live for a cause than to die for it. )
Tao Te Ching Quote
Those kind, be kind to them, Those unkind, be kind to them as well.
https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Translation:Tao_Te_Ching .
Godfather Part II Quote
"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer".
Star Trek Quote
“I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us. -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4”
Note about "Getting Killed" in this day and age
- Note: in this day and age, the Internet provides a shield for most "things you can't say" and most people who are blasephemous will usually only get banned from a certain sub-forum (e.g: a subreddit, or an IRC chat room), rather than getting killed like Socrates did, or getting themselves house-confined like Galileo did.
- It was also said that tact is the way of "making a point without making an enemy". Plato, Aristotle and Newton learned from the mistakes of Socrates and Galileo and as a result all died as highly reverred and respected, regardless of their vices.
- Saladin was able to defeat the Christian crusaders and by the time he was finished, they were all happy, almost perfectly sane, highly respectful of him, and unwilling to fight him.
- It was also said that tact is the way of "making a point without making an enemy". Plato, Aristotle and Newton learned from the mistakes of Socrates and Galileo and as a result all died as highly reverred and respected, regardless of their vices.
How to handle criticism
The Stoic road to peace mind
Say to yourself in the early morning: I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All of these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill… I can neither be harmed by any of them, for no man will involve me in wrong, nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him; for we have come into the world to work together…
The Stoic road to peace of mind
From “Feeling Good” by Dr. David Burns
The only person who can make you angry or feel down or whatever is you.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy.
Dealing with Internet flamers - the Cognitive Therapy approach
This post will focus on a certain chapter in the book called "Verbal Judo: learn to talk back when you're under the fire of criticism", as adapted by me to the world of online, Internet-based, communication. What this chapter does is instruct depressive people (and other people in general) how to properly handle criticisms from their peers. The super-executive summary for this post is: "On the Internet, don't be right - be smart."
Dealing with Internet flamers - the Cognitive Therapy approach
Kamsa and Bar Kamsa
Kamsa and Bar Kamsa - what happens when one appeals to authority - up to death and destruction!
Where they have burned books
Where they have burned books, they will end in burning human beings. -- Heinrich Heine
Re https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_book_burnings .
Mike and the Mechanics - “The Living Years”
Mike and the Mechanics - “The Living Years” - the importance of having a dialogue.
Quote from Selina Mandrake - The Slayer
Selina: OK, I’m still mad at you. But since I still find all this fascinating (I have to, as a wannabe Archaeologist and stuff), I’m going to continue talking to you, despite being mad.
(From http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/ ).
Quote from The Pope Died on Sunday
“‘I am.’, ‘I am.’ !”
“You are what?”
“‘I am” is the answer to the question of Life, the Universe and Everything.”
“Really? I thought the answer to it was 42.”
Rachel really wanted to hit Greg with her fist. But she knew better than to do that, and so only said “Bleh.”, and went away. Greg watched her exit into the balcony.
(From http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Pope/ ).
Quote from Selina Mandrake
Kate: [Drunk] M. Dumas, you treated me really well today, but now what do we do… about… about… about the people who ask me to slay them.
M. Dumas: [Not as drunk] Madame, just tell them that you no longer will slay. That you quit being a slayer, and that they should deal with their troubled life themselves.
Kate: Mr. Dumas, sounds like a good idea. You are a very wise man for your age. [She falls asleep.]
Applicable here to ward off random and frequent people who rant to the admins about the behaviour of contrarians on forums.
(From http://www.shlomifish.org/humour/Selina-Mandrake/ ).
Sam the Eagle vs. Alice Cooper
Sam the Eagle vs. Alice Cooper
Sam: You sir are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty… freako!
Alice Cooper: Why, thank you!
userfriendly.org: C-list blogger vs. A-list blogger:
http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20060302
Blogging Blues - I
A.J.
A.J. reads: Dear C-list blogger, go ahead and hate me. It's not like you'd be the first. Sincerely, A-list blogger.
A.J. [typing]: Dear A-list blogger, {lengthy, eloquent, venomous diatribe}irritated, C-list blogger.
A.J. reads: Dear C-list blogger, Thanks for the brilliant content. It's on my blog now!
- A-list guy.
A.J.: AAUUUUUGGGH!
Wil Wheaton about a Bad Review of his book
Well, right now I need to examine my life, and I need to be totally honest with myself. I have to own up to something: I *did* hope that my book would get noticed by the Industry. I hoped that it would get noticed by critics, and I hoped that The Media would pay attention . . . but all that happened after it was published. When I wrote it, I hoped that my story would be amusing, interesting, and maybe even inspiring to people. And you know what? That’s exactly what Real People tell me when they read my book: they were amused, interested, and occassionaly inspired.
What a myopic fucking fool I’ve been! What a stupid, stupid jerkass! I was so worried about impressing The Cool Kids, I forgot who I am, and why I do this. And even worse, I disrespected — even if unintentionally — the very people who have been with me on The Journey all along. It’s not some stupid magazine that owes *me* an apology; it’s *me* who owes all those Real People an apology.”
I turned to Anne. “I know what I’m going to write when we get home.”
“Good,” she said. “Just let it go.”
“I just did.”
-- http://wilwheaton.net/2004/09/in_labyrinths_of_coral_caves/
One commentator has written there:
Wil, No need to apologize. You did nothing wrong. Everyone (who isn’t a sociopath, that is) has feelings, and they’re fragile. It’s tough to grow a thick skin.
-- Jeannette